light_mischief | [come sail away] ic inbox (season 1)

Being mad at you doesn't change what happened.
You did exactly what I would have done with someone I didn't trust to tell me the truth.

Which is fair, really. He shouldn't expect her to trust him when he's unable to tell her the full truth.

so
what now?
because youre right
i dont trust you
and you probably hate me for prying again
but i dont think i can pretend like nothing happened again

Was that why she was so willing to keep forgiving him? To keep looking past his obvious lies and dodging? Because he and Avery meant similar things to her, and that's just what she did with the... father figures in her life? This more than anything is spurring the bubbling self-hate at her own patheticness. She wouldn't have let this slide with anyone else. Nobody else had really gotten to see what remnants of her pre-death self remained, her sweetness and ability to forgive, to go along with something for someone else's sake without bitching. Why did that ghost only emerge in the presence of someone who clearly didn't care about much as much as she hoped he did?

I don't hate you and I don't blame you for prying.
But you were trying to use some unknown magic against me. You didn't even hesitate.
I wouldn't even know what I was telling you. Just like you didn't know what you were telling me.

He types out, then deletes, the line: I had just trusted you with something sensitive. It's either shame or fear that keeps him from admitting the real pain she'd provoked: he's been too open on the ship, unwilling to keep the protective shell that protects him back home. Worse yet, he's once again entrusted his feelings to an angry teenage girl who respects him more than he's worth. To think, he could have learned the first time...

see? thank you
there was very little i said that i wouldnt have told you if youd asked
but you wouldve answered if you werent lying about it
right?
which means you lied to me about something you told me to protect twice now
surprisingly im not a fucking guard dog
im not going to just do whatever you tell me because you tell me to do it
either stop lying or take the fucking gauntlets back and find someone else to hold onto them

I haven't lied, I just haven't told you everything yet.
I told you who Lord Vile was. I've told you why I cannot be around them. I don't know what more you need from me.
He was a necromancer, he is dead now, his magic deeply affects me, and I can't be around his armor.
They showed up here by mistake but I know if I throw them into the ocean that someone else will find them.
There are multiple necromancers from different realities aboard and I do not trust them.
I trusted you with them because you are the only person to know of their existence outside of Lucius. And even when my mind was tearing itself apart I knew you would understand I needed help. And you did.

I chose to leave then because I wouldn't have control over how much I would tell you.
It would not have been me. It would have been the spell.
When I tell you things, I need to be able to be sure that it's me, and that I'm the one in control of what I'm saying.

i need more from you because it doesnt make sense
like i know im dumb but you havent been cagey about anything else to do with the war or

She rereads the lengthy series of messages again. Her heart aches that he trusted her through his fear and confusion, that of all the people aboard Darcy was the one he turned to. There was something she had to be missing. There had to be a simple explanation for why he'd not told her the details upfront. She thinks to his comment about using the odd magic against him, to the fact that he admitted the gauntlets were perhaps uniquely harmful to him…

were you worried about them being used against you?
like by the captain or one of the other necromancers?
god obviously im
im really sorry
thats just
embarrassingly obvious
i should have trusted you and i shouldve worked it out
im sorry

It's a hollow victory, allowing her to believe that a fraction of the truth encompasses the whole. She isn't wrong, he rationalizes; he absolutely is worried how Vile could be used against him. More than that, he has no idea how being here will affect it. Affect him.

At least it buys him some time to figure out how to tell her. Or at least to make peace with what will happen after she finds out.

You haven't done anything wrong. It's probably wise to be suspicious here.
I have a long standing habit of dealing with things on my own.
You will unfortunately have to be patient with me. Old dogs, new tricks, etc.

Edited 2022-07-07 05:39 (UTC)

yeah but
you gave me the gauntlets when you were still freaking out about your torture thing
the least i can do is match that trust right?

Which he still hasn't explained, but she already feels awful enough for the amount of prying she's done, it's not like she's going to be doing more now.

im sorry
ill try harder to be worthy of the trust you put in me
and if its not obvious im never doing something like that again
we cool?

This is nearly worse than being forced to tell the entire truth. Nearly, but not quite enough to drive him back out into the rain. He knows she's being honest, too, which only makes it worse. It's that guilt that drives him to try and prove his freshly and fully restored confidence in her.

Yes, we are.
I'm sorry for putting this burden on you, you don't deserve it.
I'll be better about trusting you with more than just guard duty.

Since I've already admitted it under duress:
Between the events on the timeline and how I absorbed them, I was not in my right mind when I came to you. Or at karaoke.
I've been feeling more affixed to this point in time. I can handle you asking questions about it, if they come to you.

its fine
honestly
i can carry it
im strong remember?
ill bug you if i think of anything, she lies, as if she doesn't already have questions about... Everything. Her gut lead her astray this time, into almost wrecking an important friendship because of her own damn suspicion. Darcy resolves herself to leave him be, to trust that he'll come to her if he needs help, that if he lies to her, it's for good reason.

It doesn't silence her gut entirely. The contradictions in her mind don't wholly disappear, nor does her worry about him. But she can bludgeon herself with guilt over being a bad friend whenever they arise, now, and that's just as good.

Stronger than I am.
Stay out of the rain if you can help it.
Don't hesitate to reach out. I'm here when you need me.

dont sell yourself short
youre smarter than i am
we have different strengths
thats why were a good team
i will and i will
stay safe yeah?

Even if she had been under the rain, her wording wouldn't have changed. There are many honest ways to say 'I love you'.

[come sail away] ic inbox (season 1)

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